D. Scott Greenaway, Ph.D., L.P.

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Understanding Where the Trouble Begins
Some children are born with a difficult temperament (difficult to soothe, short-tempered, easily irritated, demanding, etc.). Parts of the child’s brain that enable the child to regulate emotions, handle frustration, and inhibit impulses often aren’t working as well as we would like. These children tend to generate negative attention and upset those around them. They are often quick to misinterpret others’ intent, thinking that others intentionally wrong them. Some are resistant to following daily routines or following directions, while others are so entrenched in routines that they become inflexible to change. When these children are in situations that call for them to use these skills, which their not very good at, frustration erupts leading to emotional stress and frustration for the rest of the family and teachers.

Traditional Ways Don’t Work Long-term
The way the child’s world is traditionally set up is like this: When they behave, parents leave well-enough alone. Sometimes, the child is told “good job” or get a pat on the back but not consistently. When they are oppositional or create conflict, they get high emotional attention from others in the form of reprimands, arguing, etc. They get a sense of being in control or at least of being heard and of having some impact on their environment, even if it’s a negative impact. Research shows that shouting, spanking, and other types of punishments sometimes stop the unwanted behavior in the moment, but do not decrease the amount of times the child will engage in the negative behavior in the long run.

Research-based Methods Shown to Work
Taking a new perspective and questioning some (not all) of the traditional disciplinary styles has been very beneficial to many parents. The overall goal is to redesign the child’s world so that he/she primarily receives reinforcement (highly emotional praise, privileges, choices) when behaving and using the new skills he or she will be learning, but is met with blunted emotion and consequences (time-out, loss of privileges, extra chores) when misbehaving.

Creating Success
Oftentimes, parents need to train themselves to spot success and praise it. When attempting to reduce misbehavior, the lack of misbehaving is considered a success and worthy of praise. If a child simply walks into a room quietly or plays with a toy, these are occasions to praise the child. “I like how calmly you came in just now,” “You’re playing so nicely with your doll house,” “You hung up your coat; that sure makes the room look better,” “You closed the door gently, that makes me so happy,” etc. This is called creating success. These reactions give the child your attention, emotion, and intensity, but for positive behavior. It takes more energy and awareness to do this when they’re being good, but it’s well worth it considering the time you will not spend arguing, nagging, or reprimanding.

Positive Opposites
Oftentimes it is easier to tell children what not to do. “Don’t hit others,” “Don’t run by the pool.” “Stop whining.” What has been found to work better is to give the child options for replacement behaviors or “positive opposites” of what we don’t want the child to do. Instead of hitting others, we want the child to talk to a parent or teacher when their upset or try to work out the problem with the other child. Instead of running by the pool, we want the child to walk by the pool, etc. Letting the child know what is acceptable behavior gives them more options and choices and gives us a chance to reinforce it so it is more likely to occur more often in the future.

Teaching Skills
As mentioned in the first paragraph, many children who are labeled as “difficult” lack the skills that would help them get through the day easier. They may have a skill deficit in handling frustration and get highly emotional as soon as they don’t get what they want or as soon as something goes differently than they had predicted. Other common skill deficits include changing activities from something they’re enjoying to another activity or persisting at a task when they are not doing well at first. Some children lack the skill to inhibit their urges long enough to think about the consequences. They do things impulsively without thinking through the outcome of their behavior. Many children lack the skill of thinking through different solutions when they’re having a problem. If we think of these skills deficits as delays in brain functioning, much the same we look at learning disorders, we realize that these skills can be improved. The task is similar to helping a child with a reading deficit. With practice and reinforcement, children can improve in their ability to handle anger, hold off on their immediate impulse, etc. The job of teaching these skills is not an easy one and takes patience, although it can be done, and it can be done by parents if they are taught how.

Consequences
When focusing on positive responses for good behavior, consequences become less necessary. When they are needed, they usually come in the form of preventing the child to earn what they would have if they did behave. Time-outs are given with little to no emotion or lecturing. Don’t explain what they did wrong or what they should have done; that’s just feeding them at the wrong time. As soon as they stop the negative behavior, even if it’s 10 seconds later, jump all over them with positive praise for the seconds they were behaving “O.K. that’s great, I really like how you handled that time out. You sat quietly and waited. You did a wonderful job (said with high emotion), etc.” Get feedback from them, engage them, and give them lots of attention. Feed them with intense emotion when they’re being good only. The need for time-outs should decrease significantly although probably not completely. If the situation has been previously set up so that completing a chore, cleaning their room etc. earns the child the reward of having a friend over, watching TV, etc. then, not completing the chore or not cleaning their room naturally results in the child not having the friend over or not watching TV. The consequence is built in.

Summary
Here’s the switch. When the child is behaving appropriately and trying new skills, even during something very simple, BAM! reinforce the behavior with high levels of positive attention and praise. In time, the reward can be given intermittently with the good behavior and skills use continuing.

The following are 5 general principles to keep in mind with attempting to change your child’s behavior through reinforcement and skills teaching. You may want to refer back to them for self-encouragement:

1.) I Can’t change my child’s behavior directly, but I can influence my child’s behavior by changing my responses to what they do and by teaching my child new skills.

2.) Changing my child’s behavior requires more awareness and controlled behavior on my part, sometimes even going against my first reaction. It requires planning and thinking up front.

3.) Behavior changes take time. I may have to wait several months before seeing major improvement. It is important for me to stay on track for the long-term. It takes “a thousand small moments” to influence behavior.

4.) At first, trying to change my child’s behavior is likely to result in an increase of misbehavior. This is normal and a sign that we are beginning to get through to the child.

5.) Consistency and timing of my responses are key. If I stay on track, changing my child’s behavior is possible.